Rising star..

Creative Writing Workshop : Critiques

I will be commenting on my friend writing. Here i found out the thing that she can improve for her next writing and the good quality of her writing that she can maintain in her writing.

She used first person point of view which can make the reader sort of connected to her story. LIKED.
The language is quiet simple and easy to read and understood well. LIKED.
The paragraph is too short and not briefly explain the situation or the glint of the story.
I think she can create more interesting paragraph if she choose to writing the different genres.
The used of punctuation marks can be improved because some sentence used too much comas.
Overall, she will do a great good job if she had enough time to finish her writing because she has a good story line. =)

Creative Writing Workshop Prompt

Treah looks around him and he sees everybody walk around with their own twins. Some of them even wearing the same shirt and blouse as same as their twins. The views of his surrounding looks like everything come with pairs and double body. He acknowledge about that situation as the government already stated that everybody must go out in public or even do something with their twins. If someone caught not having his or her twins beside him, he or she will be in trouble. Treah remembers how his neighbor being caught for walking alone in the public and he been punished to death penalty. His neighbor lost his twins because the twins involve in car accident and unfortunately one of them died in the accident. The only punishment that the law state for someone who lost their twins is death penalty. This is because the government thought that everybody will not give their best or not productive if they are alone and a lot of problems will occur when they are not being productive or functional well. Treah also acknowledge every women who wanted to have a baby, they must come to the hospital provided by the government to have some sort of medical treatment for maternity purpose. Every woman must control their birth circulation as the government does not allow women give birth without noticed and approval from the government.

241111. 2:40pm

Dialogue...

“I never want to see you again!” she said angrily and started crying.

“I’m so sorry but I have to do this,” as he walk away from her.

“Don’t you dare walk away from me just like that, I’m still not finish with you”. She screams loudly towards him with her red eyes sort of like want to eat him raw.

“What else do you want to do, after all terrible causes that you have made,” and he continues “Don’t you should be ashamed with yourself?” he now seem cannot hold control on his temper, it is like a time bomb that will explode at any time.

“What a silly question”, then she start laughing “Hahaha..” “I’m might be done wrong but I’m not that stupid. Do you think I don’t know why you are doing all this suddenly?” she stares sharply at him with her big eyes open.

“We have already made deals, I will get what I want and you will get yours” she continues.

Suddenly he interrupts her and saying “I don’t care about it anymore, you can continues with your plan but I will do the right thing for me to do now!” and he push her away from him.

She fell harshly on the floor. Now she really gets annoyed and mad towards him and start to think how to stop him from ruining all her plan. She suddenly saw a flower vase in front of her and start grabs it and throwing to his back.

Tsul and Treah... "Tales of the twins"

Characters

Tsul – (eldest) tall, dark, severe, masculine, aggressive, cold-hearted, manipulate

Traeh - (youngest) tall, fair, sweet, masculine, moderate, tolerable, acquiesce

They are twins but totally different in term of their physical attributes and behaviors. Both always depend on each other but Tsul as a big brother show more influence towards his young brother Traeh.

Setting

In the future, as the DNA already being exploited, everybody will be born with their own twins. This happens as government wants everybody to be more productive and can contribute better for their family, country and themselves. Consequently when everybody pairs with each other, they will come out and make something better in result rather than work alone. Sadly not every twins create the result that expected by the government and that situation occur to Tsul and Treah. They always not agreed with each other and most of the time they will fight but mostly the eldest brother (Tsul) will get control the situation and the young (Treah) will give up and follow his brother.

Learning..

Father was touched by the rhythm to sing a love song,
A beautiful Nyonya wore a sarong,
Fountain of knowledge should be spread wide and stay strong,
Therefore, the young generation will not portrayed and adapted it wrong.

The wind fly the moth to the air,
The sun view and shining his brightness to the earth,
Never ever do any mistake as the law will treat you round and fair,
You will save only when you keep control and hold to your faith.

© Naf Razi 2011. All Right Reserve.

Free verse of poem

WAITING…

Light of the moon in the sky,
Sitting on the bench waiting for love,
Ignoring the breath of danger around me,
Patiently waiting until did not notice the rainy tears on my cheeks,
Suddenly I realize how stupid I am to waiting for nothing,
Now freedom is smiling at me celebrating the awake,
The rhythm of happiness cheers up again my sorrow.

© Naf Razi 2011. All Right Reserve.

LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP

Give me the bottle to fill the water,
Watching the ship anchor in the estuary,
Come close to me and no need to fear,
I can give you some love because it is February.

Love for friendship is like a bottle full of water,
Hatred can be like a rusty anchor thrown in the sea,
Dont be afraid to overcome your fear,
The only reason to live the life is to be free.

© Naf Razi 2011. All Right Reserve.